Where In The World Am I?

I've been conflicted about continuing this blog. As you can see I have not written much in the last little while. I still like this place that I've created in cyberspace. It represents so much of who I am and where I've been since moving to my hometown. 

My life, actually my life along with my husband's and daughter's was forever changed in 2017. I've always wanted this space to be a "happy" space. Or at least more happy than sad. Our turning point came in 2017 when my husband clearly needed full-time care. I wanted to be his caregiver. I did not want to pay someone else to take care of him. It was clear that time was precious. It was precious because each day he lost more. Each day he was fighting to stay cognizant. Each day his understanding of what was happening changed. Each day he endured confusion, sadness, and fear as he tried to navigate his life without a compass or a map. I am confident that I'm not overstating when I say that I am the only person who could help ease his fear. Help bring him fleeting moments of joy. 

I didn't want to miss any of the time that Jordan was still Jordan. 

As happens with this disease, it progressed to the point that he needed more than my care. He needs a safe place. A place where he has around-the-clock care. A place where all of his medical needs are attended to daily. And so, our lives changed again. It changed from me being his full-time caregiver to me being "only" his wife and a helpless wife at that. 

In 2017, I spent a week in a chair beside Jordan's hospital bed. After getting him medically stabilized, he transitioned to a full-time nursing facility. When I came home, I came home alone. I came home to an apartment that he would never return to. My heart was broken. I wasn't quite sure how my heart even continued beating.  

In 2018, I relocated from Wilmington back to my hometown. I was able to get Jordan admitted to a Veteran's Nursing Home. His facility is in a different town, about 2 hours away from me. But, distance is a small price to pay when I am fully convinced he is getting the best care available. 

This year I moved into an apartment and began officially living alone. I am in an apartment that he will never see. 

All things I never expected. All things I would not have chosen. All things that we mere humans can not control. 

And yet... And yet, my life continues. 

All that to say, this particular blog is about my life "before". You know? I haven't felt like writing. My life goes on. It is a "new" life. I'm doing what I can to make sure it is a full life. I want to make sure that my life continues to be a life well lived. 

As I move through grief I cannot deny that I am incredibly blessed. 

So, I have not really spent time here in this space I created. But, it is still a space that I treasure. Surprisingly, I still want to write. But I have a different story to tell. I've decided to begin a new blog. I am calling it "Sitting With It".   If you are curious, come over to the new space. 

You May Ask Yourself, "Well how did I get here?"

As you can see, I have not been active here on the old blog. I plan to change that. Or at least, at this moment, I think I will feel like writing and posting more often.

Part of my hesitation is that I stopped pretty abruptly and haven't had the strength (?) emotional strength, I guess, to fill in the backstory from there to here. I have many "pre-written" posts that I put together as our life was changing. I will probably post those at some point.

Last year, my sweet Jordan's illness began to move incredibly fast. I quit work and moved us to Wilmington to take care of him myself. Wilmington was more affordable and (according to my spreadsheet) we could make it (for a while) on just his disability. Our lovely daughter also lives there and I wanted to give both Jordan and D. the opportunity to spend as much time together as possible.

Saint Patrick's Day Weekend

Hello. I have had a lot going on...and no energy to write. I actually wasn't sure if I would come back to write. But, here I am.

I decided to come back to wish everyone a Happy Saint Patrick's Day weekend. I love the fun, green celebrations. 

Yesterday I went to the Symphony's Celtic Music Celebration. Not my typical venue. The Symphony promised bagpipes and Irish dancers. I wanted the Irish and Scottish music to transport me to a happy place. It did not.

Apartment Update

Other parts of my story include the sweet apartment we are renting. my daughter helped me decide on picture placement. It makes a huge difference in making the apartment look finished and making it feel like home.

I thought I'd share a few snapshots of the living spaces with the prints on the wall. 

Rachel's Story

As if navigating an Alzheimer's diagnosis isn't bad enough...I was gullible and scammed. Here is where we were in February.

February 6, 2017

Rachel's Story (*AKA Racheal): She is a Standard Poodle and German Shepard mix. She was just over a year old. I got her to be a Service Dog for my husband as he has early-onset Alzheimer's.

I worked with a Service Dog breeder and trainer from May until the dog (we named her Rachel) was brought to us in September. I began to have concerns about his integrity when he brought Rachel to us. There were several things that he said about her training that frankly were not true. This person's Service Dogs are advertised for people with Autism and Alzheimer's.  

Rachel is shy and has anxiety and startles easily. She has some very good pet qualities, but I am not comfortable in continuing to try to mold her into a Service Dog for my husband. 

We've worked with Rachel and have gotten professional trainers to help us. Rachel has a good command of basic obedience commands.  She is fairly consistent and reliable in following instructions when she is at home with us. She knows "In your bed" and she knows "lay down". I use this when I need her to calm down or I need to keep her accountable while I work on something.  She also knows "go" which we use to reinforce moveable invisible boundaries.  She is crate trained and gets along really well with other dogs but she does not trust people. She is very capable of walking correctly on a leash but is not consistent in walking politely.  

Jordan and I have come to the conclusion that we cannot keep Rachel. I will need to begin figuring out the best way to re-home her. I have seen a big improvement in her behavior since we got her in September with lots of help from professional trainers. Both of us think Rachel has the potential to be a great dog.

The real issue is that Jordan cannot handle her with his Alzheimer's.  It's clear that we did not get the trained dog that we need. This is not Rachel's fault. --I was an "easy mark" when I was searching for help right after my husband's Alzheimer's diagnosis. 

The "breaking point" is that Jordan has been physically hurt as a result of Rachel's behavior. Yesterday when he was walking her she was startled and bolted, knocking Jordan to his knees. It's not the first time he's fallen because of Rachel. Last night he had a second and worse fall while he was walking her. Again, she bolted and Jordan fell. Worse, she began to run towards the parking lot.

I'm not equipped to transform Rachel and to work with Jordan's illness at the same time. I feel it would be irresponsible for me to continue to try to "make this work" when it puts Jordan at risk. Plus, because he can not control her, it puts her at risk too. 

Both Jordan and I are incredibly sad because we adore her.

My initial thought is that she may do better with some fostering and continued training either before joining a new family or as part of her new family.

The Rachel that I know is adorable, sweet, funny, and incredibly playful. She plays incredibly well with other dogs. She loves to run and is quite proud that she can jump the hurdle at the dog park and jump through the tunnel. She has the potential for fun agility play.

I'm worried about so many things about finding the right new owner for Rachel. I don't trust my judgment in assessing a good fit. I don't know how to overcome Rachel's overt fear of new people when potential new owners want to evaluate her for a fit with them. I also want to make sure that I let the new owner be fully aware of Rachel's challenges. 

The breeder and organization where I got Rachel is in CA. I began to have concerns about his integrity when he brought Rachel to us. There were several things that he said about her training that frankly were not true. This person's Service Dogs are advertised for people with Autism and Alzheimer's.  I have not tried to work with the breeder because when I re-read our contract (with more cynical eyes) I saw that the contract states additional help requires me to pay additional money. I also am not comfortable returning Rachel to him as I no longer trust him.